Black beauty

January 26, 2024 Today marked another day since you've been gone, aboh. It's surreal, standing here by your grave, seeing your name etched into the stone, yet still unable to fully grasp the reality of your absence. How can you be gone when it feels like you're still here, lingering in the corners of my mind and in every familiar corner of our home? But even as I grapple with this disbelief, I'm confronted with the harsh truth each time my body betrays me. The numbness from the medication seems to cocoon me from the rawness of my emotions, yet my physical self bears the weight of my grief in ways I can't ignore. Headaches throb incessantly, my appetite vanishes, and the fatigue is unrelenting. It's as if my body is rebelling against the numbness, desperately trying to feel something, anything, to validate this loss. I miss you, Aboh. More than words can express. Each day without you feels like navigating through a thick fog, unsure of where to step next or how to move forward. But amidst the pain and confusion, there's a flicker of solace in knowing that even though you're physically gone, your presence lives on in the memories we shared and the love that still binds us together. I wish I could find the words to convey the depth of my sorrow, but for now, all I can do is hold onto the fragments of you that remain within me and try to make sense of this new reality we find ourselves in. Until we meet again, rest in peace, aboh.. Forever missing you, Adek

It's dark and lonely here.
My hands are shaking,
There's a voice in my head saying I couldn't do it,
Then there's another voice in my head, battling hard with the demon inside.

I wish I can do better in life, I wish I can do more in life, I wish I was happy, I wish.
I know I have to say I am because what you beliefs, will attract rite?
I know I have to stop complaining, get up and be stronger than before.
I know I have to keep on smiling, knowing that everything is temporary including happiness and sadness.
I know I have to keep on fighting, I know.

But sometimes, it's hard. It's too painful.
No, I'm not giving up, for all I know if I do, everything is over.
I would fail and live a life full of despair and misery.

It's dark and lonely here.
All I can feel is emptiness and guilt.
The guilt where I kept on doing the wrong things instead of right.
I keep going back when I need to move forward.
I always get lost when I already have a map.
It's tiring.

So I'm going to rest, taking my time to clear out my space,
Reflect what is right and wrong,
Ask me those what, why, when and how for myself,
It seems lonely, but the lonely moment is when I expect too much in the short term,
It's lonely when I seek for my worth/validation in other people.

I don't blame myself because I know sometimes I need love,
But my forgetful ass always tends to forget that the only love I have to long for is Allah.
And, the happiness that I'm seeking is within me.
I don't blame myself.
I did well, and I, for now, I need to rest, preparing myself for a better journey to come tomorrow.

I'm a warrior.